AMUSEMENT IS A HEALING ENERGY. HERE'S TO YOUR HEALTH.

Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

Things That Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word is 'meetings.'
3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
12. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important; pay attention, it never fails!)
13. Your friends love you anyway.
14. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark; a large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than...............punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the...............bug is close.
It's always darkest before...............daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of...............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...............how?
Don't bite the hand that...............looks dirty.
No news is...............impossible.
A miss is as good as a...............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog...............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you...............will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust...............me.
The pen is mightier than...............the pigs.
An idle mind is...............the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's...............pollution.
Happy is the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is...............not much.
Children should be seen and not...............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something what you...............see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind...............get out of the way.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and...............you have to blow your nose.

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